Wednesday, August 3, 2011

In Need Of A Helping Hand

Depression. This word has been a huge part of my life for almost 15 years. It comes and goes, but it always dwells deep inside of me and every so often, it screams to come out. Sometimes I let it, sometimes I don't. This time, it took over and didn't even let me choose.

When I get depressed, the signs are very recognizable. The dishes pile up. The clothes remain unwashed. My spirit and life disappear for a while. I get overwhelmed and the longer things go on this track, the harder it is for me to bounce back. This is not a good thing for a diabetic. Not at all.

Type 1 Diabetes can be overwhelming for anyone, depression or not. There is so much to think about--so much to worry about. Add depression into the mix, you've got yourself a problem.

I'm not sure if it is the diabetes that is causing my depression this time, or if it is just depression itself. It may be that my sugars being so high lately is causing me to lose hope, or if my depression is causing my high blood sugars. Either way, it is getting harder and harder everyday for me to focus. It is to the point where I don't even want to eat because I don't want to have to deal with giving myself insulin. I don't even want to check my blood sugar level because I am afraid to see what it is. It all just makes me want to cry and hide away in my bedroom.

People ask me why I don't see anyone about depression or why I don't take medication for it. The thing is, every time I have seen someone, I always end up answering my own questions, and I feel like I am paying them for nothing. I just feel like I can always just get myself out of it. And I always do. I have tried to take medication for it, but it never worked for me. Again, I have always been able to get myself out of it. I don't need to put a magic pill into my system. Sometimes I feel like maybe I do need to and I am just being stubborn, but it doesn't matter either way. I pay too much for my other medications anyway. I can't add another one into the bunch.

For now, I will just deal with it. Make the motions. I get scared, though. My depression has never been this bad since being diagnosed. I am not sure how I will handle it and for how long it will last. I am reaching my hand out for help. I am desperate for someone to take it because I cannot do this alone.

Thanks for reading and the comments. Thank you for your support.


  1. Mary:

    I don't have diabetes, so I can't tell you that I know *exactly* what you're going through, but I know what it's like to have a chronic illness that requires constant maintenance.

    I have severe hypothyroidism. For those that don't know, hypothyroidism is a malfunction of the thyroid gland where your body doesn't produce enough thyroid hormone. Now, your thyroid affects almost every major body system in some form or fashion. On a daily basis, I fight mood swings, skin dermatitis, lethargy, weight gain. I hate taking pills. I hate it. I hate being reminded about it every day. I hate everything about my disease, but there is no cure, only maintenance.

    It's either do this or ride a slowly wending spiral of madness and depression until I finally bottom out and either die of a heart attack or suicide out of crazed depression. It's hard. Some days, I just want to throw in the towel and say 'screw it'. I remind myself, though, that there are people in this world who love me, who would miss me, that I owe it to them, to myself, to my novel, and to God not to waste the life I've been given.

    People will never understand the challenges we face; it's easy to be blase and full of bravado when you aren't the one who has to wake up in the morning and try and figure out how to cope.

    But, Mary... I want you to know that you aren't alone. We may not have the exact same set of circumstances, but I understand what you're going through. If you ever need a friend, or just a friendly ear, I'm here for you. :) You do NOT have to go through this alone.

  2. Mary- I have struggled with depression for years, and I know how difficult that on it's own can be. I'm sure your added stress from your Diabetes doesn't help one bit.

    I would say 'stay focused on the positive', but for me I think sometimes it's more useful to just accept things as they are. Not to say we shouldn't try to improve things for ourselves, but, well.. "Comparison is misery." (The Buddha). I try to take joy in everything I can, and remain hopeful for the future.

    I'm usually more eloquent, I'm having trouble putting together any words here. At any rate, you're awesome and can pull through. Life is good!!

  3. As a T1 diabetic I can undestand what you are going through. I get discouraged by not only my diabetes but also the effect it has on my interactions with others. I feel like i have something else wrong witj me mentally but maybe its just the diabetes. Just know that there are people out there like myself thsy know what you are going through.

  4. I have been there! I know exactly how you feel, because I felt the same way. Honestly, I use my blog as therapy. Do you have a friend you could maybe talk to? Also, I notice that I think a side effect of high blood sugar is depression because I am so tired and I don't feel like doing anything when my blood sugar is high. You should talk to your endo, because I bet if you lowered you A1C you would notice a difference in your mood as well. We are all here for you.

  5. My 6 year old son has T1 and he goes through a lot of mood swings which affect the family. As a Mom, it's hard for me to face the fact that maybe my son is depressed because I get depressed thinking about it myself. But you know, God is always good. He will always bring the light to our lives no matter what. It could have been worse. My son is a very smart and active boy and he makes me laugh when he's not moody. So, there. I hope you find some bright outlet. Go out and find someone who wants to listen. Be it a friend, a religious authority, or a sibling. Or log in, people like us are curious about other people - that's how we found you. We will share our feelings as well.

  6. Mary, as evidenced by the other comments, you aren't alone. Depression is something I don't struggle with often, thankfully. When I do feel depressed it's generally situational and short lived so I can't imagine what you're going through. My youngest son fights with depression and anxiety, though, so I've watched him go through it since his early teens. He's now almost 27 and sometimes my heart breaks for what he's experiencing...

    When you feel this way, reach out as you did this time. We might not all be available 24 hours a day but someone will be around, I imagine.