Thursday, August 25, 2011

In The Dark

I think this is going to be one of the hardest posts to talk about. I may even cry while I write it. I think I may have gone off the deep end.I have been so lost that I didn't even realize yesterday was Wednesday, so I didn't post anything. I didn't even take part in my Wednesday night DSMA chat on Twitter that I always had looked forward too. I am just a complete disaster right now.

I broke up with my boyfriend. Bottom line is that I was not happy. At all. I felt trapped. I felt controlled. I was getting more and more depressed every week that went by. It just wasn't pretty and I knew I had to get out. He did not take it well. He has made me out to be an evil person, kicked me out of my own apartment, and is threatening to tell the cops that I attacked him if I show up there. He has gotten me so frightened that I am scared to go back. Now I am sleeping on my mother's couch. Just where I started before I met him. My furniture is there, and I am now living out of bags.

If I wasn't already having a horrible time with diabetes, this has made it a billion times worse. I don't want to eat, but when I do, I don't even think about taking a shot. I am finding it hard forcing myself to. I have checked my sugars maybe 3 times in the past few days. If that. It's like I pushed it aside. Right now, I don't even care anymore. I give up. I surrender. Please, just go away, Diabetes, while I handle this!! I can't handle anything. I am crying too much. I am shaking too much. You are just too much of a pain in the ass. Just go away and leave me be!!

I really just want to hide. I'll go admit myself into the hospital right now. But then again, I can't. I have to figure things out. I have to go to work. I have to go to school. I have to find a place to live. I have to actually deal with life. I can't just hide. I actually have to be responsible. Argh.

I really should just blame myself for this. I am the one who broke up with him. I should have known this would happen. I feel so stupid and so lost. I am done. I have lost it.

Thanks.

9 comments:

  1. Hi Mary,

    It sounds very crap and to be fair, nothing I say will change much. All I can say is hang in there. If he's being such a **** (choose your own appropriate swearword) then the decision you made is entirely the right one.

    Diabetes can wait. Do enough to stay the right side of hypos and hypers and you'll come out the other side fine. Although you've got plenty of people who you wouldn't recognise in the street following and reading, those same people care enough to want you to come out the other side fit, healthy and happy.

    Just hang in there and the good will come and a man who deserves you will come along to replace the **** in your apartment.

    Sorry I'm in the wrong continent to be able to offer any practical, baseball bat assisted, help but my best wishes are being sent across the world.

    Warmest regards,
    Dave

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  2. I completely understand!!!... my fix was to eat those comfort foods, take a big shot to cover them... then cry some more and move on. Also do what you are doing write it down. My diabetes journal started pre internet is a good read of all the low(bad) times, I tend never to write anything during the Happy times.

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  3. The right decision, isn't always the easiest. You are worth the fight and you are worth the care. You need to just take care of yourself and figure out what you want in line. We are all here for you ((hug))

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  4. Dont beat yourself up! Diabetes is a hard to make a priority when so much else is happening! Plus its not your fault! Ive recently been through almost the same situation,it sucks now but its totally worth it in the end! Plus boo on him for threatening the cops! Thank you for such relatable posts!

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  5. Sounds like you made the right decision to end things. Perhaps in a few days once you're feeling a little better you could go back and get your things (with a friend or relative) or even kick him out!

    Look after yourself and don't be too hard on yourself either, because you don't deserve to be treated like that x

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  6. I'm sorry to hear things worked out this way, Mary. But know that you have to do what's best for you, and sometimes that's not easy for you or the others on the receiving end. Diabetes can wait, and just as long as you try to look away from it in moderation and not completely, it'll be OK. You can do it, and we're here to help you remember that. Good luck and good vibes your way.

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  7. Dear Mary, I came upon your post on FB, looking for others who also had t1. I than followed your link here. I am soo sorry to hear about what you are going through as I have been through the exact same things, same emotions, same wild ideas of just killing myself etc.. I am writing to you after reading all of your blogs. I was diagnosed w/ t1 when I was 30. I was divorced w/ 2 grls. I had been in a relationship w/ my fiancee for 3 yrs and we just had a baby. I too was misdiagnosed w/ type 2. I weighed 135 and eventually dropped to almost 90lbs before I was diagnosed right. I too had gone in to the ER. I can't tell you how many ups and downs I have had. The depressions coming and going. Giving up for months at a time. Or when I did care not having enough money for my insulin and meds. Choosing to instead pay for food, bill and rent. I did the same things you did. I would use one needle until I couldn't use it anymore and rationed my monthly insulins to last for months. My heart breaks to hear that you are going through the same things. I can't tell you that things will be better, I can't tell you that it will be easier. I can tell you that if you ever need someone to talk to...I will listen. My email is: nlightnd26@yahoo.com my fb page: Neenon Neenon my twitter: nlightnd36 You can even txt me or call me if you would like, at any day or time, even in the middle of the night. My #: 509-607-7841 I never ever give out my number, but I knew how hard it was for me and it still is...I had to had some pretty major breakups and that made my depression and diabetes worse. I wish that I had someone back then to talk to about it, someone who really knew what I was going through. I'm going to be 38 on the 27th of this month and I still have issues w/ my diabetes. I am soo sorry that you have had to go through this and I hope that things will get better for you. I hope that I hear from and that we can become friends. Sincerely, Neenon

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  8. Despite you having a lot of folks in common with me on G+, this is the first I've seen you.

    Dunno what to say exactly, other than life is war, never a battle. I've gone through many battles myself, each time coming out a little bit more wounded. However, it will never end.

    The upside is that you'll always find new allies. I didn't get too specific with you on G+ but I'm actually a medical student from UNE. I have no clue what I could help you with, but if you just need someone to talk to, or need someone to give you a quick 2nd opinion... I'm here.

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  9. Despite you having a lot of folks in common with me on G+, this is the first I've seen you.

    Dunno what to say exactly, other than life is war, never a battle. I've gone through many battles myself, each time coming out a little bit more wounded. However, it will never end.

    The upside is that you'll always find new allies. I didn't get too specific with you on G+ but I'm actually a medical student from UNE. I have no clue what I could help you with, but if you just need someone to talk to, or need someone to give you a quick 2nd opinion... I'm here.

    ReplyDelete