Thursday, August 25, 2011

In The Dark

I think this is going to be one of the hardest posts to talk about. I may even cry while I write it. I think I may have gone off the deep end.I have been so lost that I didn't even realize yesterday was Wednesday, so I didn't post anything. I didn't even take part in my Wednesday night DSMA chat on Twitter that I always had looked forward too. I am just a complete disaster right now.

I broke up with my boyfriend. Bottom line is that I was not happy. At all. I felt trapped. I felt controlled. I was getting more and more depressed every week that went by. It just wasn't pretty and I knew I had to get out. He did not take it well. He has made me out to be an evil person, kicked me out of my own apartment, and is threatening to tell the cops that I attacked him if I show up there. He has gotten me so frightened that I am scared to go back. Now I am sleeping on my mother's couch. Just where I started before I met him. My furniture is there, and I am now living out of bags.

If I wasn't already having a horrible time with diabetes, this has made it a billion times worse. I don't want to eat, but when I do, I don't even think about taking a shot. I am finding it hard forcing myself to. I have checked my sugars maybe 3 times in the past few days. If that. It's like I pushed it aside. Right now, I don't even care anymore. I give up. I surrender. Please, just go away, Diabetes, while I handle this!! I can't handle anything. I am crying too much. I am shaking too much. You are just too much of a pain in the ass. Just go away and leave me be!!

I really just want to hide. I'll go admit myself into the hospital right now. But then again, I can't. I have to figure things out. I have to go to work. I have to go to school. I have to find a place to live. I have to actually deal with life. I can't just hide. I actually have to be responsible. Argh.

I really should just blame myself for this. I am the one who broke up with him. I should have known this would happen. I feel so stupid and so lost. I am done. I have lost it.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Walk Of Shame...To The Dietician.

So it's Wednesday again and you know what that means? It's blog posting day! Yes, that is right. If you have not yet noticed, I have limited this blog to once a week and Wednesday happens to be the lucky day! Congratulations, Wednesday.

I see my dietician tomorrow morning. This is the first time in months that I am not looking forward to it. Last time I was there, she gave me instructions to keep the log and she recommended things to add to my diet. You might know, if you have been reading my blogs, that the log went out the window a little after the 4th of July. Forget about the diet suggestions. I can't afford the things she wanted me to eat. Not to mention she recommended milk. And I hate milk.

I feel so awful. It is like I am going to school the day a huge project is due, but it was a project that I never got around finishing. I am so ashamed. When she asks me how I did, I will bow my head in utter shame and tell her that I failed miserably. I won't even be able to look her in the eye because I am afraid of what she will say. I am going to have to try and prepare myself for the disappointment that I will hear in her voice.

Her reaction isn't the only thing I am worried about, though. You see, she is trying to work with me to figure out what me insulin to carb ratio is. In order to do this, you have to keep track of everything that goes into my body. I have to keep track of what my blood sugars are at least four times a day. Basically, I have to see what food is doing what to my body and my sugars. What I have written down would have been a really good snapshot. I had a good two weeks of information. The only problem is that the day I stopped logging was the day my sugars went bonkers. I should have kept it up but I just couldn't do it. All that work for nothing.

I could give her what I have, but what's the use? It has lost all relevance. Now I know what she is going to have me do. Start again. Start fresh. But the just means that I have been wasting months waiting for this appointment with nothing to show for it. Now I have to wait a few more months and hope that I can do it. Again. I hope I don't aggravate her too much. I understand how important this information is. I just hope that she realizes that I do.

Or maybe I could just tell her my dog ate it. Sigh.

Thanks for reading and the comments.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Avoiding The Burnout

In my most recent post, I talked all about my battle with Depression and how it is effecting my Diabetes. Let me just tell you, it hasn't changed much since. I am still lacking the heart and soul that was previously keeping me going strong. I know I need to find it again, somehow, because my health severely depends on my constant effort. I talked to one of my nurses yesterday and told her everything. The phrase that stuck out in my mind when she responded was "Diabetes Burnout". I thought to myself "Well that can't be good..."

I had heard of this before. It is when a Diabetic gets so fed up with the constant day-to-day, hour-to-hour management of their disease, that they just simply give up. It might last a little while, and for some, it may last forever. Now, she reassured me that I wasn't to that point...yet, but if I don't jump back, there is a good possibility that I could find myself in that predicament. I refuse.

I ended up doing a little research online about the matter to try to find ways of avoiding the burnout. I found a little information here from the Joslin Diabetes Center. It helped a little bit, but I thought maybe others could benefit from the tips it gives.

What I really need is to focus. I need to be in touch with my nurses more often, because they are my cheerleaders. I found that going to all those appointments, as much as they were a pain in the ass to get to, were truly helping me along. The Diabetic Online Community is also a huge help, as I have previously discussed. The only downside is that I cannot talk to them face to face, and sometimes, face to face is what I need.

I need to do whatever it takes to not burn myself out. Has anyone else ever fell into this hole? How did you get out of it? Please, let me know! Tell me your stories! I would love to hear them.

Thanks for reading and thanks for the comments!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

In Need Of A Helping Hand

Depression. This word has been a huge part of my life for almost 15 years. It comes and goes, but it always dwells deep inside of me and every so often, it screams to come out. Sometimes I let it, sometimes I don't. This time, it took over and didn't even let me choose.

When I get depressed, the signs are very recognizable. The dishes pile up. The clothes remain unwashed. My spirit and life disappear for a while. I get overwhelmed and the longer things go on this track, the harder it is for me to bounce back. This is not a good thing for a diabetic. Not at all.

Type 1 Diabetes can be overwhelming for anyone, depression or not. There is so much to think about--so much to worry about. Add depression into the mix, you've got yourself a problem.

I'm not sure if it is the diabetes that is causing my depression this time, or if it is just depression itself. It may be that my sugars being so high lately is causing me to lose hope, or if my depression is causing my high blood sugars. Either way, it is getting harder and harder everyday for me to focus. It is to the point where I don't even want to eat because I don't want to have to deal with giving myself insulin. I don't even want to check my blood sugar level because I am afraid to see what it is. It all just makes me want to cry and hide away in my bedroom.

People ask me why I don't see anyone about depression or why I don't take medication for it. The thing is, every time I have seen someone, I always end up answering my own questions, and I feel like I am paying them for nothing. I just feel like I can always just get myself out of it. And I always do. I have tried to take medication for it, but it never worked for me. Again, I have always been able to get myself out of it. I don't need to put a magic pill into my system. Sometimes I feel like maybe I do need to and I am just being stubborn, but it doesn't matter either way. I pay too much for my other medications anyway. I can't add another one into the bunch.

For now, I will just deal with it. Make the motions. I get scared, though. My depression has never been this bad since being diagnosed. I am not sure how I will handle it and for how long it will last. I am reaching my hand out for help. I am desperate for someone to take it because I cannot do this alone.

Thanks for reading and the comments. Thank you for your support.