Sunday, June 19, 2011

Driving In The Breakdown Lane

Anyone who has Diabetes can tell you that the period of time after the initial shock is a difficult one. Some call it the honeymoon period. I'm not sure I have a name for it, but it was anything but a honeymoon. The biggest problem I had in the beginning was getting constant blood sugar drops. I mostly got them at work, and to tell you the truth, I really didn't mind. I sort of liked taking more breaks and not to mention--it was another excuse to eat which I love to do. It was also a relief to me. I figured that it was better to be too low because I had been so high for so long. According to my doctor, this wasn't the case. Oh well, I suppose.

It was soon, then, that my personal life began to fall apart. I lost my car, my apartment, and above all, I lost control. I found a new home on my mother's couch and depression set in. My Diabetes got too much to handle for me, and my health concern began to slip through the cracks. That is when the suicidal thoughts began to pull up a chair in my mind. The "lows" that my doctor warned me about seemed to sound like a better idea every time I thought about it. More and more I found myself considering filling up my syringe and just injecting as much insulin as possible into myself. One night, I realized that I needed help.

I remember that night vividly. I had taken my mother's car out for a drive because I just needed to think. I couldn't believe this had happened to me. Why me? I wasn't strong enough to deal with this sort of thing! My life was a mess as it was. I couldn't handle anything else. I began to cry hysterically. I yelled and screamed and pounded on the steering wheel. I almost drove myself off the road. I pulled over and let it out as much as I could. When my fit had calmed, I drove back home to my mother. I woke up her and told her everything I was thinking and feeling. She felt that it was best to go to the ER.

That night was the last night I had those horrible thoughts. Perhaps it was just another step that I needed to take in the long road ahead of me. Just thinking about it, though, brings tears to my eyes. It will still be a long time until I accepted the fact that I am a diabetic. Stay tuned for more of my story!

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