Depression. This word has been a huge part of my life for almost 15 years. It comes and goes, but it always dwells deep inside of me and every so often, it screams to come out. Sometimes I let it, sometimes I don't. This time, it took over and didn't even let me choose.
When I get depressed, the signs are very recognizable. The dishes pile up. The clothes remain unwashed. My spirit and life disappear for a while. I get overwhelmed and the longer things go on this track, the harder it is for me to bounce back. This is not a good thing for a diabetic. Not at all.
Type 1 Diabetes can be overwhelming for anyone, depression or not. There is so much to think about--so much to worry about. Add depression into the mix, you've got yourself a problem.
I'm not sure if it is the diabetes that is causing my depression this time, or if it is just depression itself. It may be that my sugars being so high lately is causing me to lose hope, or if my depression is causing my high blood sugars. Either way, it is getting harder and harder everyday for me to focus. It is to the point where I don't even want to eat because I don't want to have to deal with giving myself insulin. I don't even want to check my blood sugar level because I am afraid to see what it is. It all just makes me want to cry and hide away in my bedroom.
People ask me why I don't see anyone about depression or why I don't take medication for it. The thing is, every time I have seen someone, I always end up answering my own questions, and I feel like I am paying them for nothing. I just feel like I can always just get myself out of it. And I always do. I have tried to take medication for it, but it never worked for me. Again, I have always been able to get myself out of it. I don't need to put a magic pill into my system. Sometimes I feel like maybe I do need to and I am just being stubborn, but it doesn't matter either way. I pay too much for my other medications anyway. I can't add another one into the bunch.
For now, I will just deal with it. Make the motions. I get scared, though. My depression has never been this bad since being diagnosed. I am not sure how I will handle it and for how long it will last. I am reaching my hand out for help. I am desperate for someone to take it because I cannot do this alone.
Thanks for reading and the comments. Thank you for your support.
Showing posts with label medication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medication. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sometimes I Just Forget!
I've never been one to follow through with things. I guess you can say it is in my nature to get all excited about something, do it for a week, and forget about it. It is definitely one of my downfalls, but I am trying to change that--especially now that I have a reason to stick to something. I am struggling, though. It's gonna be hard.
Taking medication was always difficult for me to do on a regular basis. I got prescribed anti-depressants quite a few times and would take them for a week and never take them again. Did they work? Who knows? I didn't take them long enough to even notice. This is one of the reasons I never took birth control pills. Ok, that's a lie. I did once. I took them for a little less than a month and suffered the consequences for abandoning ship. If you are female, I think you may know what I am talking about. If you aren't, just stop thinking about it and move on. Trust me, you don't want to know.
Now that Diabetes has swept into my life and taken over, I have had to really work hard at not fall back into my irresponsible tendencies. I did for quite a while and look where it got me--almost dieing without even realizing what I was doing to myself. Throughout the time of my denial phase, I was constantly sick and tired. I don't know how my boyfriend dealt with me like that. I couldn't even imagine how many times I must have gone into DKA. I knew it. Did I do anything about it? No. I didn't care. I thought I was invincible. I did luck out though (I'm still here, aren't I?) but that is not the way to do things. All I have to do is thank my lucky stars and move on. I don't want to ever do that to myself again.
I've been feeling so much better since I hopped back on the band wagon. No more migraines, no more nausea. I haven't had to use my awful-looking magnification glasses once! My boyfriend, Troy, must be relieved. The struggles aren't over yet, though. For the past few days, I have been getting lazy. The log book I am supposed to be keeping is beginning to grow holes in it. I was going really good for about 2 weeks and wouldn't you know, I began to push it aside, insisting (to myself) that I would remember everything and write it down later. Yeah, that didn't happen. I keep telling myself that I will just start it again tomorrow. I'll right down breakfast and lunch but forget dinner. I really need to get back on the ball! I have also had a few things to eat without taking insulin. Not good at all. I started getting high blood sugars again and I struggled to get them back down. I did though.
I have decided that I really need support. Not just from friends, family, and Troy, but from other individuals living with Diabetes. I am opening myself up here, in hopes that I can find others out there who feel my pain. Thank you for your support and Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
Taking medication was always difficult for me to do on a regular basis. I got prescribed anti-depressants quite a few times and would take them for a week and never take them again. Did they work? Who knows? I didn't take them long enough to even notice. This is one of the reasons I never took birth control pills. Ok, that's a lie. I did once. I took them for a little less than a month and suffered the consequences for abandoning ship. If you are female, I think you may know what I am talking about. If you aren't, just stop thinking about it and move on. Trust me, you don't want to know.
Now that Diabetes has swept into my life and taken over, I have had to really work hard at not fall back into my irresponsible tendencies. I did for quite a while and look where it got me--almost dieing without even realizing what I was doing to myself. Throughout the time of my denial phase, I was constantly sick and tired. I don't know how my boyfriend dealt with me like that. I couldn't even imagine how many times I must have gone into DKA. I knew it. Did I do anything about it? No. I didn't care. I thought I was invincible. I did luck out though (I'm still here, aren't I?) but that is not the way to do things. All I have to do is thank my lucky stars and move on. I don't want to ever do that to myself again.
I've been feeling so much better since I hopped back on the band wagon. No more migraines, no more nausea. I haven't had to use my awful-looking magnification glasses once! My boyfriend, Troy, must be relieved. The struggles aren't over yet, though. For the past few days, I have been getting lazy. The log book I am supposed to be keeping is beginning to grow holes in it. I was going really good for about 2 weeks and wouldn't you know, I began to push it aside, insisting (to myself) that I would remember everything and write it down later. Yeah, that didn't happen. I keep telling myself that I will just start it again tomorrow. I'll right down breakfast and lunch but forget dinner. I really need to get back on the ball! I have also had a few things to eat without taking insulin. Not good at all. I started getting high blood sugars again and I struggled to get them back down. I did though.
I have decided that I really need support. Not just from friends, family, and Troy, but from other individuals living with Diabetes. I am opening myself up here, in hopes that I can find others out there who feel my pain. Thank you for your support and Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Cost Of Being Sick
Life gets really tough when you don't have any money. I don't think there is anyone out there who would disagree with that. Let me tell you, it is even worse when you are broke and have a disease like Diabetes. It isn't like you can skip out on your medication until you can afford it. You do that--nothing good will come of it, to say the least. When you have to add a healthy diet to the equation, it almost seems impossible. The bottom line is: things are getting really tight, and if I don't find a job soon, I really don't know what I am gong to do.
Something that I did not mention earlier is the fact that when I first got diagnosed in 2009, I had no insurance. It sounds like that would be a bad thing, but I was helped--a lot. The social worker did everything she could to make sure that I got everything I needed and she looked up every free program she could find. The hospital had a free program for people like me so that I could go to the outpatient clinic there. The program also extended to the Endocrinologist. I was also was told about a free prescription program that would send me whatever medications I needed. I was all set.
Since everything was just sent to me for free, I didn't even really think about it. Life went on, as you read, for better or worse. When my efforts began to dwindle, my medications began to accumulate. I didn't even notice when my coverage stopped. They sent me something to reapply, but to be honest, I don't even remember getting it. I guess I was just too depressed.
When I started school, since I did not have insurance, I was required to buy the student insurance they offered. It didn't sound like a bad idea anyway. I also stopped working completely to just focus on school and I was living off of students loans. I wouldn't quite say I was doing alright. My diet consisted mainly of things that cost $1, and as you can imagine, that can't be healthy. After my few months of complete denial, when I decided to start taking care of myself, I called the prescription program to see if I can get some meds sent to me. I was not eligible anymore because of my new insurance. I called the hospital to ask them to write me a prescription. Of course, I had to be seen first. 2 or 3 weeks later, I finally got an appointment. They wrote my prescriptions out and when I went to go pick them up, I began to really worry. It was $25 for one of my insulins. That may not sound like a lot since without insurance it would have cost about $150. I shouldn't complain, right? Well since they both cost be $25, that means I needed to pay $50 a month just for my meds. When you don't have a job, that is a lot of money.
So, as of right now, I am not out of my meds yet, but it will happen. I have already began digging into my rent money to buy food. I guess I will just have to keep digging. I am desperate to find a job and I am getting extremely worried. I will not let that stop me from keeping myself healthy, though. I am determined.
Something that I did not mention earlier is the fact that when I first got diagnosed in 2009, I had no insurance. It sounds like that would be a bad thing, but I was helped--a lot. The social worker did everything she could to make sure that I got everything I needed and she looked up every free program she could find. The hospital had a free program for people like me so that I could go to the outpatient clinic there. The program also extended to the Endocrinologist. I was also was told about a free prescription program that would send me whatever medications I needed. I was all set.
Since everything was just sent to me for free, I didn't even really think about it. Life went on, as you read, for better or worse. When my efforts began to dwindle, my medications began to accumulate. I didn't even notice when my coverage stopped. They sent me something to reapply, but to be honest, I don't even remember getting it. I guess I was just too depressed.
When I started school, since I did not have insurance, I was required to buy the student insurance they offered. It didn't sound like a bad idea anyway. I also stopped working completely to just focus on school and I was living off of students loans. I wouldn't quite say I was doing alright. My diet consisted mainly of things that cost $1, and as you can imagine, that can't be healthy. After my few months of complete denial, when I decided to start taking care of myself, I called the prescription program to see if I can get some meds sent to me. I was not eligible anymore because of my new insurance. I called the hospital to ask them to write me a prescription. Of course, I had to be seen first. 2 or 3 weeks later, I finally got an appointment. They wrote my prescriptions out and when I went to go pick them up, I began to really worry. It was $25 for one of my insulins. That may not sound like a lot since without insurance it would have cost about $150. I shouldn't complain, right? Well since they both cost be $25, that means I needed to pay $50 a month just for my meds. When you don't have a job, that is a lot of money.
So, as of right now, I am not out of my meds yet, but it will happen. I have already began digging into my rent money to buy food. I guess I will just have to keep digging. I am desperate to find a job and I am getting extremely worried. I will not let that stop me from keeping myself healthy, though. I am determined.
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