In The Dark

I think this is going to be one of the hardest posts to talk about. I may even cry while I write it. I think I may have gone off the deep end.I have been so lost that I didn't even realize yesterday was Wednesday, so I didn't post anything. I didn't even take part in my Wednesday night DSMA chat on Twitter that I always had looked forward too. I am just a complete disaster right now.

I broke up with my boyfriend. Bottom line is that I was not happy. At all. I felt trapped. I felt controlled. I was getting more and more depressed every week that went by. It just wasn't pretty and I knew I had to get out. He did not take it well. He has made me out to be an evil person, kicked me out of my own apartment, and is threatening to tell the cops that I attacked him if I show up there. He has gotten me so frightened that I am scared to go back. Now I am sleeping on my mother's couch. Just where I started before I met him. My furniture is there, and I am now living out of bags.

If I wasn't already having a horrible time with diabetes, this has made it a billion times worse. I don't want to eat, but when I do, I don't even think about taking a shot. I am finding it hard forcing myself to. I have checked my sugars maybe 3 times in the past few days. If that. It's like I pushed it aside. Right now, I don't even care anymore. I give up. I surrender. Please, just go away, Diabetes, while I handle this!! I can't handle anything. I am crying too much. I am shaking too much. You are just too much of a pain in the ass. Just go away and leave me be!!

I really just want to hide. I'll go admit myself into the hospital right now. But then again, I can't. I have to figure things out. I have to go to work. I have to go to school. I have to find a place to live. I have to actually deal with life. I can't just hide. I actually have to be responsible. Argh.

I really should just blame myself for this. I am the one who broke up with him. I should have known this would happen. I feel so stupid and so lost. I am done. I have lost it.

Thanks.

What Have I Got To Lose?

I went to the clinic today. I had made the appointment a few weeks ago with the nurse practitioner for a diabetes check up. I went in with two clogged ducts in my eyelids, one being infected, and an infected big toe. Why am I telling you this? Well, had I been an average person, these ailments would not have me worried so much. But alas, I have Type 1 Diabetes, which means that I do worry, and I am worried. An average person would have went in, got some meds and be sent on their way. Me? I left with 2 more appointments--one with a podiatrist, the other with an optometrist. Ugh.

I have had all sorts on infections in my past, but ever since being diagnosed two years ago, every single time I get any type of infection, I red flag them in my mind--especially when I get them on my feet. I am sure you have read all about my catastrophic dog bite. (If you have not, you can read all about it here.) When the doctor mentioned the word "amputation", I will not lie, it scared the crap out of me. Who wouldn't be scared? Now, every little thing that goes wrong with me, I think the worst.

I do realize that not everything is going to be life threatening, or even limb threatening, but my imagination has a tendency to run wild. And it does. Every time. I used to think I was invincible, but I have met a few people who made me come to terms with the fact that I, of course, am not.

Shortly after being diagnosed, a man became one of my coworkers. He had one leg. Everyone stared at him, and I, being the understanding person that I am, looked passed it, and he eventually told me that he lost it to Diabetes. Another man, who I have mentioned before, had a few of his toes removed, and then his entire foot. He eventually lost his life. It is so sad and so so scary to think about. I don't mean to frighten anyone, though. I really don't.

I know, that things like that happen to those who have poor control over their diabetes. People tell me all the time not to sorry so much because these are circumstances where their blood sugars were too high for way too long. Well, let me tell you, when I was bit, I had dreadful control, so it was definitely something that could have happened.

Now that I am in control (for the most part, at least) I am calming down a bit. I don't freak out over everything. Just over some things. Like my big toe. I am quite attached to it, thank you, and I would like to keep it.

Thanks for reading and thank you for your comments!

I Just Can't Get It Right

Last month, as you all know, I turned over a new leaf. I really started to focus on my health and my diabetes. It was seriously a night and day change. I was excited. My boyfriend, family, nurses and doctors were all excited. I even started this blog to keep myself going. I was doing so well. My blood sugars were down (sometimes too much, but we all know that.) and I was completely ready for the long haul. Until recently.

Recently, I have been getting very discouraged. I was keeping a log book for a while, but I skipped a week and I just can't seem to get myself back into the habit. I still test, as I should, and take my shots like I should be doing. There is a problem, though. Something went wrong. It is as though the dosage of insulin that used to be perfect for me, has failed me for the past week or so. The other day, I went to sleep with a blood sugar reading of 85. When I woke up the next morning, it had skyrocketed to a shocking 150--for no reason. No reason that I can come up with, at least.

Today, I woke up a bit late, so I had no breakfast. I didn't check my blood sugars, either. It wasn't until after 3pm when I actually ate something. I checked my blood sugar, and again, it was in the 300s. The night before that, I ate a banana before I went to bed. A banana! I could understand a little bit of a spike, but this was ridiculous.

I mentioned to one of my diabetes educators that I tended to go low while I was at work, so she told me to lower my dose on the days that I worked. I tried that, but it was as if that tiny unit deduction I made resulted in a radical high blood sugar reading a few hours later. It was awful. I felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't win! Either have my sugars drop too low, or have them skyrocket! Where is my happy medium?

I am really at a loss of what is going on with my body. What does it want from me? I wish it would just let me know! I feel like I am failing as a pseudo pancreas. It is becoming an extremely difficult job to keep up, and I feel as though I am not qualified for the job. I hope I don't get fired!

Thank you so much for reading and for your comments.